Feel So Numb
by backlash symphony
Summary: [I do this to feel. Yet, even in this neccessity I harbor complete cowardice in being unable to take the step to survive for fear or is it knowledge? that I will have given to receive nothing but more numbness in return.] He wanted to help. JirSaku


Story Title: Feel So Numb

Pairing: JiaiyaSakura

Rating: T

Author: Backlash Symphony

Summary: I do this to feel, for the wish of my own life. Yet, even in this neccessity I harbor complete cowardice in being unable to take the step to survive for fear -or is it knowledge?- that I will have given to receive nothing but more numbness in return. He wanted to help her. JirSaku

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. Any idea how depressing that is to be able to write like I own it but be forced to know the harsh truth is that I don't? I don't own "Feel So Numb" by Rob Zombie, either.

Extra: Yes! I'm back with the JiraiyaSakura ONE SHOT I promised. Yeah, you read the right. ONE. SHOT. I won't be making this more than a chapter long. I ended up doing that with Apple Blossom Tea and I made a promise to extend a few more, but it's not happening. One sannin per Sakura, people, and Orochimaru is totally hotter than Jiraiya...even if Jiraiya _is_ a pervert...

"Feel So Numb" by Rob Zombie inspired this story. So that means you should go listen to it. Go on, go listen to it.

Sakura, Naruto, Sasuke: 18

Jiraiya, Tsuande: 56

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Text means normal writing.

'Text' means thoughts.

_'Text'_ mean Inner Sakura's thoughts.

**Text** means flashback in general.

**_Text_** means flashback of SAKURA.

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**WARNING: Rape is mentioned a lot. The events revolve around it.**

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Five long fingers slid eagerly and swiftly up the back of the victim's thigh, tips toying with the thin mesh string of cloth protecting the smooth flesh between her legs from his searching hand. He could feel the muscles clench as she realized what his destination was. He finally reached it and he squeezed the firm globe of flesh known as her right ass cheek. With a surprised squeak, the woman straightened suddenly, twisting at the torso to gaze at the hand holding her innapropriately before meeting the lustful and thoroughly amused chocolate eyes of none other than Konoha's biggest playboy. 

Genma Shiranui.

She gave a half smirk before gently wrapping her fingers around his wrist and pulling his hand off of her.

"Aw, come on, blossom, don't be so _mean_!" he whined, shaking her hand off to wrap his arm around her waist.

With a harsh jerk, she fell onto the older man's lap, legs spread around his sides. She felt his hand return to her butt, though he didn't grab anything specifically, opting to hold it firmly and push her down against his groin. Her face remained annoyed rather than shocked or offended.

"I wouldn't have to be so _mean_ if you would just _chill_ for one night," she retorted, hands pushing against his shoulders in a mild warning.

"Aw, come on," he whimpered, giving her the saddest pair of puppy eyes he could muster, leaning forward. "I've been trying for months now, and I'm not getting any farther than anyone else."

Sakura raised a brow at him, smirking at the closeness of their lips. Opening her mouth she exhaled slowly before she peeled herself from his body, dusting her clothes off.

"Sorry, Genma, but you're not good enough for me, still," she explained with a half grin. "Bye!"

**"Just relax. I promise," he whispered, "I promise you'll like it."**

And Sakura was shaking her hips in a tantalizing way as she gathered her things and exited the building, leaving a swearing Genma behind. Moments after her hot, minishirt-clad, ass disappeared around the corner, Kakashi, Ino, Asuma, Anko, Sai, and Kurenai appeared from various spots around the club, piling into the booth Genma had held Sakura in.

"Turned down a_gain_, Shiranui," Anko said bluntly, obviously amused, head leaning on Asuma's shoulder as his fingers played with her hair.

"Fuck you, Mitarashi," Genma countered bitterly, chugging down his glass of sake.

"Haven't you already?" Sai asked, arm around Kurenai's waist.

"Oh, give'im a break, guys," Ino cut in, squirming on Kakashi's lap as the silver haired shinobi ran his fingers over her exposed stomach.

"Thanks, Ino," Genma mumbled, gulping down another glass of the potent alcohol.

"Not _his_ fault he's made such a bad reputation for himself," she finished with a smirk.

Tonight's topic was Sakura Haruno. Why? Because Genma had been dumped by her again. Not that it was _too_ big of a surprise. Honestly, any girl with brains as big as Sakura's would know better. The shocking part was the _physical_ self control. Genma knew enough tricks to make the straightest of all straight men beg him to sleep with him for just one night, so Sakura's ability to turn the man down when her sexual experience was currently lower than that of a rock's, well, the only thing more surprising would be to hear Kakashi say Icha Icha was the worst series he'd ever wasted his time reading.

Like _that_ would ever happen.

"She was born a virgin, she'll die one," Ino explained.

"Sorry we can't _all_ start early on the street corners," Sai said.

So tonight's topic, Sakura Haruno, _just_ so happened to be the hottest thing in Konoha. Flat-chested and hosting a wide forehead were traits that disappeared when she hit 16. It happened practically overnight, and Ino was once again her competetor since Sakura was just as good-looking, if not _more_ exotic because of her rare hair color. By age 17, Sakura was officially two cup sizes bigger than her blonde friend, and if you add the body of a goddess to brains, strength, heart, and skill to the mix, you'll find yourself looking at the single greatest female in all of Konoha village.

However, the majority of the men in the village _wouldn't_ look past her body.

_**"I can't...please..."**_

She'd turned down every single man that had given her offers of one night stands and lengthy relationships, even marriage, and all because of the same excuse.

_**"Sorry, but you're just not good enough for me."**_

To hear Sakura say that to the absolute **_hottest_** men in Konoha really made some people begin to think she had an interest in girls. It seemed to be the only probable solution, but she didn't waste a glance at any female that came near her. It seemed to be that she simply didn't care. Most people were positive she would say that same line to Sasuke if he came back and asked her to marry him.

"I just don't get it with her. I'm the last one, right?" Genma asked, swallowing another shot of sake.

"You and Iruka, but Iruka's gone and married that Sand girl, wha's'er name..." Anko piped in, poking Asuma in the chest in the hopes he'd have the answer.

"Temari, you mean?" Kakashi offered.

"Yeah! That's the one!"

"That _fiesty_ blonde girl and our sweet Iruka?" Kurenai asked, surprised. "Poor guy..."

"Oh, don't worry about him," Ino said with a grin. "Temari's probably getting her ass handed to her on a leather coated platter with a side of mysteriously colored chains doused in contraceptive sauce," the blonde girl forced out in a serious voice.

No one said a word at first but after a few seconds, each person burst out in laughter. Sweet little Iruka had some _very_ interesting hobbies, and Ino was just as bad as Genma when it came to men, so naturally, she would be the one to know. Once she'd hit Kakashi, she'd fallen in love before they'd gotten as far as the bedroom, but she certainly knew she fell in love all over again when he did get her home. They'd been together since two months before Ino's 18th birthday.

Anko and Asuma had been together for nearly two years, a surprisingly strange couple. Kurenai had explained to Asuma that she liked much younger men. She and Sai had been together nearly the same amount of time as Anko and Asuma. Hell, even _Ibiki_ was settling down. Yugao Uzuki, Hayate's lover before he was killed, had started working overtime to avenge Hayate when Ibiki stepped in and showed his human side for the first time in years, and explained to her how she was wasting her time with everything. She stopped and after a few months her feelings for Ibiki became stronger, and after some persuasion, they began dating.

Their four year anniversary is coming up.

------------------

**"I know you'll like it."**

Nights like tonight were the most painful to Sakura. The moon was full, spreading rays of reflected white light that no one could find useful around that section of the world. Light gray clouds twisted around the great ball of false light, hinting at a possible rainfall yet taunting those in hopes of a clear night. The view was beautiful from the bridge Team 7 had claimed, the one that ran just over the stream of glistening clear water. But not that kind of night, no. Ones with turn-outs like the one at the club, with Genma.

Where Sakura found herself being subjected to the older man's perverted behavior.

His lustful gazes.

His wandering hands.

His perverted innuendos.

His calloused gropes.

The view was perfect on this chilly evening. Her breath was forming small clouds while her hands gripped the railing like a lifeline. Her body's shaking was barely controlled as tears fell from her dark emerald eyes.

Tears that were stained black with mascara and black eyeliner.

**"Don't make me hurt you..."**

Tears that fell silently into the clear water below her.

**"It won't hurt, I promise."**

Tears that tainted the purity of said water.

_**"Please, stop..."**_

Tears that only dirtied her more.

**"You're a good little slut."**

Because that's all she was, right?

**"You want it again, don't you?"**

She was dirty, tainted, a disgrace.

**"Beg for it. Beg like good sluts are supposed to."**

She was a slut, a whore, a skank.

Who would believe her if she said she was still a virgin? No one, right?

A black micro miniskirt, see-through underwear, bra, and red tube top, thigh-high boots and no one would think she'd be terrified of men.

No one.

_**"Stop!"**_

But she was.

_**"Please!"**_

Would be forever.

**"Why? You love it."**

"Is this something that happens every night, or only when I'm in town?"

Sakura froze in her bent over position over the railing, tears running to a dead halt at the stranger's voice. She didn't dare turn around for fear of having to see the face of the person who would simply rub her mistakes in, call her names like everyone else did, do what she wouldn't be able to handle.

"You don't need to respond, but it isn't doing too well to your reputation to have your ass hanging out like you're waiting for someone to pound into you while you're here," he said with a chuckle, voice louder as he got closer to her.

**_"Oh god! _Ah!_" she cried, gasping in ecstasy._**

Sakura slowly straightened up, breathing hard as she forced herself not to act irrationally. She felt someone's body heat behind her, not touching her but there, nonetheless. Squeezing her eyes shut, she silently prayed he would just leave her alone. What would he know about her? He had no right to interfere with her business, and she'd be more than happy to tell him off if she were strong enough mentally to do so.

But she wasn't.

_**"It hurts! Please, stop!"**_

She never would be again.

**"You love how I make you feel, so don't fight me now."**

"Sakura, you can't keep doing this," he said sternly, hands moving around her to rest on the railing, caging her in.

"Just leave, Jiraiya, I don't want your fake sympathy," she snapped, eyes opening and hands moving wipe away her tears.

One of Jiraiya's hands caught hers and set them back down. The sannin sighed and looked up at the sky, firmly holding her hands together against the damp rail. His other hand drew back to encircle the back of her neck. She tensed even more, eyes sliding shut as he put more pressure on her delicate flesh. Pushing down, she reluctantly allowed herself to be bent forward. Cold air hit the backs of her thighs and managed to soak through her clothes and touch her covered skin.

"Open your eyes, Sakura," he instructed.

**"Look at me when I'm talking to you!"**

Sakura opened her eyes and gasped at her reflection. She jerked back but Jiraiya's hand stood firm, clamped around the back of her neck, forcing her to see what she had become. She struggled to be let loose, yet not once did she voice what she wanted, something that made him angry.

"You need to get help, Sakura," he explained in a strained voice. "Look at what you're doing to yourself! You're killing yourself by keeping it all bottled up!"

Sakura lurched to the side and his fingers let go, allowing her to straighten and take a step away before she felt his hands tighten on her wrists.

"You wouldn't know anything, Jiraiya!" she hissed angrily. "How could you? You _write_ this shit for a living! It never happened to you!"

**"Junko is such a lucky guy. Why do you refuse to make me as lucky as he is?"**

"Doing this isn't going to help you, Sakura, and I'm sick of you-"

"_You're_ Mr. Ex_pert_, now, is that it?" she snapped. "You know all there is to know about rape victims and the side effects just because you wrote about _one_ woman in the process of being raped when she _suddenly_ changes her mind and realizes there's nothing to fight for since she wants it?"

_**"I'm not a fictional character, so stop this and let me go!"**_

"How many times are we going to have to go over this? Hm?" he growled, black eyes staring her down.

Did she even realize it had been over a year since he'd first found her like this? A year since Naruto came back, training finished, ready to become the next Hokage? How he had gotten involved with this?

**"Hey! You're that girl, the one Naruto liked!"**

**The back of the pink haired woman spun to face the intruder at her peaceful position on the bridge. Tears collected in her eyes and she hurried to wipe them away. The sannin noticed, however, and looked at her strangely.**

**"Y-Yeah, Sakura Haruno," she responded quietly with a false smile. "Nice seeing you again, Jiraiya."**

**The white haired man moved slowly towards her, noting how she continually turned to see his movements completely, as if she expected him to attack her.**

**"Why aren't you at the welcome back party, then?" he asked, settling with his back against the rail only a foot away from the shivering girl.**

**She didn't make eye contact with him, simply shrugging.**

**"I wasn't feeling up to it," she lied, wincing as the memories flooded her mind and she was forced to push them back again.**

**He eyed her with a hint of concern. She was thinking he wouldn't be able to see past her lie but she hid it terribly.**

**"What could possibly make you feel so down that you'd skip seeing someone you haven't seen in over five years?"**

**Sakura didn't answer but leaned forward in a low bow, holding it.**

**"I'm sorry, but I need to get going."**

**She made a move to straighten but he moved to stand directly in front of her, crouching down on the ground. His hand cupped her chin, tilting it up to face him.**

**"Go see him," Jiraiya instructed. "He's waiting for you."**

**Sakura, wide eyed and quivering in terror, jerked back, stumbling at the sudden movement.**

**"Stop it! Don't touch me!" she yelled harshly, the fear she held lacing her words.**

**Curiosity peaked to its fullest, Jiraiya slowly stood to his full height and regarded her carefully, not wanting to make any moves that would scare her even more. Something was incredibly off with this girl, something that he had a clue about but was hoping it wasn't the case.**

**"Are you going to tell me what happened or are you going to let it eat you alive from the inside out?"**

**Sakura remained silent and looked away. Jiraiya waited for her patiently. He took the time to carefully look over her body, and the bruises poorly hidden behind a genjutsu were clear as day to him. The scratches and specks of dried blood told stories every woman in her right mind would fear. Her obvious distrust of him, one that was greater than any other woman who was aware of his reputation, and her tears and tremors did nothing to make her look normal.**

**He would've hit on her, probably had her toned thighs wrapped snugly around his waist as he buried himself into her by now, had he not noticed her behavior. He would've flirted shamelessly with her, given her alcohol, done something to support his reputation at the Legendary Perverted Hermit Sannin, Jiraiya, but he hadn't. Something was seriously wrong with this girl, and if his thoughts were right, the last thing she needed was some random guy trying to get into her pants.**

**"You're the perceptive one," she said in a low tone. "You figure it out."**

**He watched as she turned and began walking away. She was completely off of the bridge when he spoke again.**

**"You were raped."**

**She froze, hands fisting as soft plops were heard. More tears hit the ground, her shaking intensified, but she shook her head, little gasps of breath being let out in a futile attempt to calm her breathing.**

**"Like that would ever happen," she said in a hollow voice before she disappeared in a cloud of smoke.**

"How many times do I have to tell you to leave me alone!" she cried angrily.

**"You'll wait 'til I'm done with you!"**

"As many times as it'll take until you let me help you," he countered frustratedly.

"What would you know about this?" she hissed before her voice turned low and eerily emotionless. "I do this to feel, for the wish of my own life. Yet, even in this neccessity I harbor complete cowardice in being unable to take the step to survive for fear -or is it knowledge?- that I will have given to receive nothing but more numbness in return."

"Having sex isn't going to help if you can't even make it far enough to have a single _kiss_ happen!"

"If I can get over it, then _yes_, it'll help!" she screeched. "Who's going to want to fuck a conservative twit!"

"You aren't helping yourself by dressing like a common whore!"

**"You're worthless! Only good for a half-decent _fuck_, and nothing else!"**

"Since when have you _ever_ had a problem with the way I dressed?"

With a growl he let go of her wrists only to slide one hand behind her head, cradling her neck, and slide the other arm around her waist, pulling her to him. She let out a startled gasp, eyes widening in shock and fear as she found herself pressed flush against him, his head turning down towards hers.

"Never, but I'm sick of seeing you waste away."

And with that, he crashed his lips to hers and swallowed her groan of disapproval. Her fingers clenched around the fabric of his shirt as she started to struggle, but her thrashing did nothing to stop his lips from moving over hers like the expert he was. His tongue slid across her bottom lip before plunging into her mouth, forcing her mouth open in order to gain access to the deepest part of the opening. The tears began to fall again as the force he used on her made her feel helpless, made her feel like the pathetic whore that she had been told she was time after time.

The salty drops slid into their mouths, the taste bringing a strange feeling to the kiss. Eventually, as his mouth worked masterfully against hers, she began to reciprocate. Her fingers loosened their grip on him and slid over his shoulders, interlocking fingers behind his neck. His tongue slid up the length of hers, curling around it and drawing it back towards him, sucking on it when he closed his mouth. His teeth nibbled on her lower lip only to be soothed by his tongue as he explored her all too willing mouth sensually, leaving her breathless.

He loved how she molded against him, loved how her body fit and pressed into his. She was soft in all the right places and was the closest thing to perfection there was.

**"Just remember something."**

Although he knew that he would never be able to be with her long enough to help her through her crisis completely, he could start small by making a big impression on her; this kiss. Her theory was that she could move on from the rape by having consensual sex with someone else, but the problem was that she was still too afraid to take the step and get as far as the bedroom. It had been nearly a year and a half since he had found her crying at the bridge. Nothing had worked so far. She hadn't told anyone, nor had she gotten the help she needed, so any psychological damage that could be done was done already and would never be reversed.

**"I _own_ you." **

The only thing he could do now was take it slow, and perhaps, eventually, their kisses would become gentler, and she would let him see her cry.

**"I always will."**

'Sasuke...'**  
**

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Uhhhhhh...ok, that turned out the...screw it, that wasn't even close to what I had in mind for this one shot. It's really dark. Really crappy. But I guess authors write things that reflect their moods, right? That would make a lot more sense. So uh...Jiraiya and Sakura, huh...I'm just all over the place for new pairings, aren't I? And I've got an IbikiSakura story coming up soon, a YondaimeSakura story, and a -GASP!- EbisuSakura story. I know, shoot me now before I do something worse, like...uh...well, actually, I can't think of anything worse right now...

So yeah, I hope you guys liked it a little bit, at least. Hm, a review would be nice, or a flame. It doesn't matter. In fact, if you do flame, try and make it entertaining or hurtful, at least. I want to see what you guys are capable of coming up with.

Man, I _really_ need to stop writing all this crap...

Alright then. Till later!

Backlash Symphony

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